If GOD would have VoiceMail..

What if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this :

Thank you for calling The Lord’s House. Please select from the following options:

Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS.

Press 2 for THANKSGIVING.

Press 3 for COMPLAINTS.

Press 4 for HEALING.

Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS.

Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN.

Press 7 for MIRACLES.

Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS.

Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY “HI”

Press 0 to HEAR THE MENU AGAIN

What if God used the familiar excuse:

“I’m sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium.”

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.

For Michael, press 22.

For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55.

Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62.

Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter his or her date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah’s Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a “heavenly perspective.”

To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).

To order any religious material enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date.

For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.

LIFE without a Girl Friend, rules

Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend, rules ……….

1. You can stare at any Girl…….

2. You don’t have to spend money on her.

3. You won’t get boring result in ur papers.

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

5. If u don’t have a girlfriend ,she can’t dump u.

6. Having a girlfriend is hot,not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring.

8. You won’t have to tolerate someone else defining, “right” and “wrong” for u.

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can’t do anything according ur wishes anymore.

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a girlfriend and have a happier family life.

11. You won’t have to waste paper writing love letters No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shopplace.

12. You can have more boy friends(Friends who r Boys), as u will have more time for them.

13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of action thrillers.

14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u’ll sin less.

15. You can have good night’s sleep-no need to dream about her.

16. You wont have to fight over having a ‘special’friend with ur folks.

17. No nonstop nonsense.

18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears!!!.

19. No tension.

20. You can be “urself”

21. You wont have to hide the telephone bills.

Teched Academia @ Mumbai

Well Yesterday had been a long day. I was at TechED, the academic version of Tech.ED. Was a real happening event from Microsoft. Got to meet my friends from Microsoft, Kevin, Ashwini, Jani and Sanjay Ofcourse. Also came across Pradeep, who is the driving force behind all the “goodies” that we students get.

Had a long chat with these guys from MS, on the academic initiatives happeining across the globe from MS’s point of view. Also when Sanjay, got my name on the stage, lots of Professors from across Pune and Mumbai, interacted with me to start up a .NET Chapter at their respective colleges.

As of now, I am writing this entry sitting at the Speaker’s Lounge at Taj Land’s End, where the event is actually happening.. Its a break time and what the better thing to do than write the updates for the BLOG!!!!!!

The Future of Customer Care

Operator : “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut .. May I have your…”

Customer: “Heloo, can I order..”

Operator : “Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?”

Customer: “It’s eh…, hold on……6102049998-45-54610”

Operator : “OK… you’re… Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Yourhome number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?”

Customer: “Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?”

Operator : “We are connected to the system Sir”

Customer: “May I order your Seafood Pizza…”

Operator : “That’s not a good idea Sir”

Customer: “How come?”

Operator : “According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir”

Customer: “What?… What do you recommend then?”

Operator : “Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it”

Customer: “How do you know for sure?”

Operator : “You borrowed a book entitled “Popular Hokkien Dishes” from the National Library last week Sir”

Customer: “OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?”

Operator : “That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99”

Customer: “Can I pay by credit card?”

Operator : “I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.”

Customer: “I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives”

Operator : “You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today”

Customer: “Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?”

Operator : “About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle…”

Customer: ” Wat!”

Operator : “According to the details in system , you own a Scooter,…registration number 1123…”

Customer: ” *’!^ *%^**%^I7*”

Operator : “Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th June you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman… ?”

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : “Is there anything else Sir?”

Customer: “Nothing… by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?”

Operator : “We normally would Sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic……. ”

MSDN Magazine now in .chm form

Jan ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/01/MSDNMag0401.chm

Feb ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/02/MSDNMag0402.chm

Mar ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/03/MSDNMag0403.chm

Apr ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/04/MSDNMag0404.chm

May ’04:http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/05/MSDNMag0405.chm

Jun ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/06/MSDNMag0406.chm

Jul ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/07/MSDNMag0407.chm

Aug ’04: http://msdn.microsoft.com/msdnmag/issues/04/08/MSDNMag0408.chm

IT Movies.com

What if the I.T. industry starts producing movies? Some Indian film titles may be like these :

Network Ke Us Paar

Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai

Aao Chat Kare Programmer No.1

Mera Naam Developer

Java Wale Job Le Jayenge

Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein

Do Processor, Baarah Terminal

Tera Code Chal Gaya

Har Din Jo Mail Karega

Debugging Koi Khel Nahi

Jish Desh Mein NarayanaMurthy Rehatha Hai

Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!

Client Ek Numbari, Programmer Dus Numbari

Login Karo Sajana

1942 — A Bug Story

Kaho Na Virus Hai

Crash Se Crash Tak

Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai

Shaheed Hacker Singh

Password De Ke Dekho

Terminal Apna, Login Parayi

Mr. Network Lal

Terminal Sajaake Rakhna

Programmers Ki Rani, Hackers Ka Raja

Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Kartha

Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi

Hang To Hona Hi Tha

More will come up soon.. Happy Blogging!!!

Web Based MSN Messenger

At my college, our internet lab does not allow me to use MSN or Yahoo messengers. This meant that i was not connected!! 🙁

Luckily for me Microsoft released it Webbased MSN Messenger. Though a bit too slow on dialup, its rockin when you have a 2 MBPS leased line.. So all you fellows who hate ur college or ur office for now allowing you to use MSN, check http://webmessenger.msn.com..

Go and show ur professors/bosses the RIGHT ATTITUDE of a software professional!!!

PS: If you have a dialup connection, i suggest you all use http://www.e-messenger.net.

DevCon 2004 @ Mumbai

DevCon as the name “speaks” means “Developer’s Conference“. DevCon is a developer event organized by the developer community for the developer community. The objective is to enable developers to request for topics which they wish to be educated about and delivery of such content is by developers who are expert speakers. It covers topics which are of interest to developers chosen by developers themselves. It was first held at Trivendrum, India, in 2003. Approx. 200 professionals attended it and was a HUGE hit!!!

Following this event, we had DevCon happening last week at Mumbai. Last year, it was only for Developers, and the topics too were developer related. Student’s are not only the future of any Country, they are also the people who will carry this technology forward. Hence this year, we had two tracks, one for the professional and the second for students.

DevCon 2004 was or ganized by INETA, MumbaiUserGroup and PuneUserGroup. It was held at Thakur College of Engineering, Mumbai, India. We had a total of 100+ people who attended the developer track and 100 who attended the academic track. This is good considering it was a weekend. All our speakers got a minimum rating of 4 out of 5 and above which is excellent.

Plannings are goin on to roll out DevCon at Ahemdabad, Pune, Bangalore and Hyderabad. This was the largest volunteer led community effort in this country and it feels awesome to be a part of this group.

Technical Help Required

Problem Faced:

Last year I upgraded from girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that thenew program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of spaceand valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in theproduct brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all otherprograms and launches during system initialization, where it monitors allother system activity.

Applications such as Smoking10.3, Boozing2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0crash the system whenever selected. I cannot keep wife1.0 in backgroundwhile attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like NightClub 4.3, Dance Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking aboutgoing back to Girl Friend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on thisprogram. Can you help me, please !!!!!

Reply from Technical Support:

This is a very common problem that male users complain about, but it ismostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend7.0 to Wife1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY &ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and isdesigned by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the systemonce installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 isnot designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in yourmanual under “Warning-Alimony Child Support” which was given to you at thetime of registration with Wife 1.0. Having wife 1.0 installed myself, Ifeel the best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGISE.In fact I would suggest that you use this command every time Wife 1.0crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very highmaintenance.

Consider buying additional s/w to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or even Movies 4.5 which willimprove the performance of Wife 1.0. Do not, under any circumstances,install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.

This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to causeirreversible damage to the OPERATING SYSTEM.

Best of luck, Tech support